… the words.  You thought I’d say dress, eh?  Yes, I’ve tried on dresses and even purchased a few (two, but that’s a story for another day), but today I’m all about trying on the words: engaged, fiance, married, bride, groom, husband, wife, happy couple, newlyweds, wedding day.

As of today, we’ve been engaged about six weeks, so I’ve had occasion to call him “my fiance” and talk about our wedding day (though I’ve avoided actually saying the words, “our wedding day”), but I’ve hesitated each time, felt uncertain and awkward.  I’m a words girl.  I’m also a girl who needs to get comfy with a new idea in her own head before she can be happy about it, and this engaged thing has been tough.

What does being engaged mean, exactly?  We live together and we’ve assumed that we’d get married.  Our lives on a day to day basis haven’t changed.  Our parents have granted us the freedom to do (or not do) whatever we wish whenever we wish, so once we decided to move our wedding date to next spring, they’ve not pushed us for more details.  We’re in a holding pattern.  Yes, it’s a planned holding pattern (hiatus until Thanksgiving) but still a bit strange.

So, it’s time to stop avoiding the rush of feelings (some good, some not good, all strange) by avoiding the words.  (You do this too, right?  Actively engage in denial by not saying things?)

We’re engaged, my fiance and I, and we will be married — to each other, for, well, ever — in the spring.  Our wedding will be held on our property and be intimate, sentimental, and casual.  I will be a nervous bride trying very hard to enjoy our wedding day, and my groom will be happy (and quite possibly tipsy).  I will be his wife (again, and more on this later) and he will be my husband when we get married (this is getting a little goofy, isn’t it?).  We’ll be newlyweds when we go on our honeymoon.

Whew, that was hard.  Seriously.  Some of those words were hard to type (when combined with “my” or “we”) and brought up strange feelings.  Let’s try this another way, this therapy by blog.  Let’s try free-association.

• Bride — ugh.  All caught up in details and stressed out, trying to boss people around.  Young, too young.  Or way past the point where she should be giddy and using the word “bride.”
• Groom — Clueless.  “Just tell me where to be and I’ll be there.  It’s your party.”  Not words said to me at all, but what I think of when I hear the word.
• Marriage — Tough.  “My marriage” makes me feel a little jealous of people that have something solid enough that they can count on and that they believe in.
• Engaged — as I mentioned, I’m a little lost on this one.  It seems like a weird limbo that happens because you’re saving money for an overblown party, and because the wedding industry gave it a title, it thinks it’s okay.  Hmmm.  Generally, I like the word “engaged.”  “I’m engaged with you, I’m engaged in this project, he’s very engaged in his work/ toy/ life.”  Must rethink.  Perhaps it just means that we’ve pledged to engage with each other in furthering our relationship, “having ones attention or mind or energy engaged.“  Okay, that feels better.
• Husband: Good, solid, handsome (I picture my man, here, and it’s all good).  Also brings up thoughts of responsibility, but not in a bad way.  Husband = lay my head on his shoulder and breathe more easily.
• Wife: Aprons.  Bad (I was a bad wife once*).  Mother.  Wife = naggy, frumpy woman who screeches when speaking.  Strangely, though, I like the sound when a man says it – “my wife.”
• Wedding: Party.

On the bright side, now we know why I’m struggling to find my place in the wedding planning world (for brides, as I am not a wedding planner, of course).  I’ve pledged (to him and myself) to use the hiatus to get on board with the whole concept so that wedding planning can be fun and joyful.  I have a lot of work to do.

Please tell me that some of you have felt this way?  I know it can’t just be me.

*I keep promising to talk more about being a second-time bride, and I keep putting it off.  It’s time, isn’t it?  It’s the elephant in the room in everything wedding-related, and it’s time.  Keep me honest.  I’ll do that soon.

I got my ring sized (again) yesterday, and boy, what a difference a half size makes!  When J and I went ring shopping in June, I was sized at a 5.5, and that’s what he went with when sizing my e-ring.  Since I’ve had it (a month! today!), I’ve been a bit annoyed that it spins on my finger.  Because of the style, I get poked if I reach out to grab something and it’s spun.

Of course, I’ve spent the last day worrying that it’s too tight (I’m a bit of a spaz).  Sigh.  At least my ring isn’t stabbing me anymore.

It’s been a (tough) month since we got engaged.  Really tough.  I thought we’d be in a happy love bubble, but alas, that was not to be, not for us, not for me.  The worst of it let up last weekend, our third stormy weekend, when we suddenly understood each other for the first time (more on this in a later post).  Since that day, we’ve been slowly returning to our normal happy state, and it’s a relief.

I found a great book for the newly engaged struggling with not-so-bubbly feelings:

In desperation, I hit the local bookstore and pulled every wedding planning book off the shelf.  Okay, not every book — I ignored anything that said anything about “perfect,” “best day of your life,” “elegant,” or “The Knot.”  I love matching details as much as anyone, but I’m beyond (or not there yet) worrying about details.  I need some help figuring out why it’s not all butterflies and rainbows.

I know that it’s not socially accepted to admit that being engaged is scary and stressful.  I know that talking about worrying that you are with the wrong man (even when said man is kind and wonderful and you want your kids to be like him) isn’t the proper thing to do.  I know that it feels disloyal saying the words, “the proposal was disappointing.”  Well, here I am… and I know I’m not alone (if only because I found a book that says so).

If you’re reading this and you relate, please leave a comment.  If you’re reading this and you don’t relate, then please share your secrets!  I love him, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but whoa — forever.  Scary.

[P.S. More later on the unique struggles facing a "recycled bride" -- I've been married before, and there are some challenges that the bridal magazines just don't cover.  Evidently, in the rainbows and butterflies world, nobody ever gets divorced and thus nobody ever gets remarried.  Well, here I am.  We'll talk soon.]

We received the CD of our engagement pictures yesterday, and I love them!  Here are my favorites:

I love them all — I love that we look like ourselves but also really cool, I love that we look happy and honest, I love that the colors are so bright and beautiful around us.

So with that, I offer my suggestions for taking great engagement pictures….

On what to wear:

• Consider your location.  I initially wanted to wear something bright blue (I look good in bright blue), but I’m very happy that I chose something very neutral instead.  The location colors come through better this way.
• If you are busty, like me, I highly recommend a black wrap shirt.  Unfortunately mine had these ruffly things all the way down the front so the profile pics look a little odd, but the general effect was exactly what I wanted: minimize the boobage, emphasize the waist.
• I’m glad that while we both wore jeans, they didn’t match.
• Be honest (and by that, I mean authentic).  J’s a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, so he dressed up a bit with a button-down shirt… but still worn casually.  I’m a heels and jeans kind of girl, so I went that route.
• Be sentimental.  His jeans are my favorite, and the ones he wore the night we met.  I bought him that shirt, and it reminds me of one of my faves.  He loves that pair of jeans on me.
• Personal note for pet owners: dog/ cat hair does not show up in pictures, even on a black shirt, so don’t stress out over it like I did.

On locations:

• Again, be sentimental and authentic.  I love this city, and it’s the city where he grew up, so we wanted something quintessentially Knoxville, and nothing says Knoxville like World’s Fair Park.  We also considered the property around our home, but decided that WFP would be cooler when our kids ask about the pics in 10 years (the kids we haven’t had yet).
• Do some location scouting on your own… especially if working with a novice photog or new location.  Walk around together and decide what feels right.  We didn’t do this, and while our pics came out beautifully, I wish we’d gotten a few more of the Sunsphere and at least one near the ampitheatre.

On preparation:

• Come up with a few poses, a few expressions, a few composition ideas… again, especially if your photographer is a bit inexperienced.   Our photographer was lovely and produced beautiful pics, but she’s used to working with babies, and you don’t have to direct babies.  When we got to WFP, she gave us carte blanche — so we had to figure out our own shots, poses, expressions.  Very awkward at first, and the reason that so many e-pics are smoochy.  You run out of things to do!  Note: even if you’re hoping for mostly candid shots (like I was), you still have to be doing something (ya know, to catch candidly).  Think of things to do!
• Think about a few stories that embody how you feel about each other.  That way, when you run out of things to do (call them poses, call them whatever), you can tell your story.  Some of our most honest expressions came out of the telling of our “how we met” story.
• At all times, even when playing around or not posing, look either at the camera or your partner.  On close-up, a few of my favorite shots fell out of the running because you can tell we’re distracted or looking at something that just doesn’t “make” the picture.

I love, love, love these pics.  I’d never wanted to take engagement pics but a serendipitous craigslist-surfing session combined with all the FIL’s clamoring for pics and my realization that I just didn’t like any of the snapshots we had led to this session, and we’re both so glad we did it.

Now we’re talking about scheduling another session in early spring on our property with the animals!

As I’ve mentioned before, we’ve got a lot going on, J and I: an extra house, new puppy, cats that we need to trap, a new house needing some love, a roommate, and a very precarious job situation.  The extra house, specifically, is a big stressor for both of us and continues to zap our extra energy (if not time).

We continue to deal with our own stresses individually until it all blows up, making for a rather painful day-to-day existence.  After another blow up yesterday, we’ve decided to hit the Pause button.

This is the second time we’ve decided to pause — first the entire wedding (to spring), now the planning itself (to Thanksgiving).  While I’m sad, I’m also pragmatic.  We don’t have the capacity to handle anything else, much less joyously.  I’m fine with this, though a bit sad.  Who wouldn’t be sad that life is interfering with love?

And yes, part of me worries — shouldn’t it all be bubbles and rainbows?

But – We live together.  I’ve been married before.  We have an extra house.  I have ghosts that I’ll have to deal with before I can move forward, and I’ve promised to work hard to have that accomplished before we start wedding planning.

What do you think?  Should I be worried, or are my rationalizations fair?  Directness appreciated.

I’m struggling a bit to find the right pace for wedding planning.  If you’ve been following my story, you know that we first tried to fast-track our wedding in a misguided attempt to avoid overdoing it with stress and details.  Now that we have nine months (-ish, since we haven’t actually chosen a date), I’m simultaneously besieged with guilt for not accomplishing anything and peace that there’s not a whole lot that needs to be done just yet.

I’ll be honest, too, that this engagement hasn’t been the joyous, loving, in-a-bubble situation I expected.  Since we got formally engaged, we’ve been fighting.  Chalk it up to stress, heightened expectations, disappointment, and the pressure of having two houses, but life has not been fun.  It’s even affecting our sex life, in that the annoyance and frustrations of the day get carried over to the bedroom.

Oh, and did I mention that we’re not getting any sleep?  He’s always been a fitful sleeper, while I have always been an almost pro, but together, our tossing and turning becomes a contagious downward spiral of doom.  We wake up grumpy and achy every single day.

So, we bought a new mattress yesterday at a great price (my cheapskate side is in love), and my online research today confirms that it’s the best option for couples (whew).  We’re without a real bed since both of our singleton beds are queen-sized, but that’s okay for a little while.  Oh, wait!  How will I read in bed?  Laying down, I suppose.

We’ve done nothing together in terms of wedding planning, though I did attend a bridal show (my first ever!) this weekend with my FMIL… more on that later.  We have time, so I think we’ll need to focus on ourselves and our relationship before we try to make any progress on the wedding.

Did anyone else have a bad (scary) post-engagement bubble?  Did you fight during your engagement?  Did it get better?

We’re having an engagement shoot on Thursday, and I’m so excited!

Because (as usual) J has a lot on his mind, I went ahead shopped for him last weekend.  He got a great light blue button down shirt with very faint orange pinstripes — on sale!  He didn’t think that he’d like it, but when he put it on he loved it.  Cha-ching!  One point for the fiance-bargain-shopper.  He’ll wear it untucked with rolled sleeves along with my favorite of his jeans – these beat-up ones that he was wearing when we met.  He looks GREAT in them.

Now, on to the bigger decision: what will I wear?  Initially, I’d planned to wear a black wrap shirt that has a very neat neckline.  Then I did some ‘net research (love to you, www.weddingbee.com).  Evidently, wearing colors is recommended, and most commenters noted that clothing color turned out to be more important than the style.

Before we move on to pictures (yay!), let’s talk a bit about my body.  I’m 5′0″, weigh about 120, and am very curvy.  Very.  Curvy.  In fact, I discovered when I was measured for my dress that I’m a perfect hourglass – which means that I’m, um, top-heavy with a small waist and round butt.  If I’m not careful about my clothing, I look a) pudgy, b) frumpy, or c) pregnant!

I’m planning to wear dark blue jeans that I already own, much like these:

Banana Republic jeans

I definitely need new shoes (right, ladies?), and I found these at Marshall’s, of all places.  The bargain-shopper in me is grinning like a fool, but now I’m not sure if I should be wearing a black shirt anymore.

Steve Madden Luvvy pump

So, I’m depending on you all to help me decide.  Which do you like best?

A) I generally look good in wrap tops.  This top is easily available and inexpensive (heart Target).  I think it’ll elongate my neck, and I can wear any ol’ pair of interesting shoes (yay, shoes).

Target Isaac Mizrahi wrap shirt

B) How cool is this look?  I’m not sure I can pull it off, though my hair is short like the model.  I think it’s very Hepburn-ish, and I love, love, love the idea.

from Banana Republic

c) Also from BR, with whom I have a love-disappointment relationship (love the clothes, always a bit disappointed in the fit), is this top.  Simple, sweet, nice color.  Too simple?  It definitely won’t hang on my body like it does on the model, nor are my arms this thin.

from Banana Republic

What do you think?  How did you decide what to wear for your engagement shoot?  Did you do any research or make a list of specific pictures you wanted in advance?

We have revisited (and re-decided) one of our first decisions.  In fact, this decision is one of the first we made after deciding to get married.  It went something like this:

Let’s get married!

Where?  The Clearing behind our house!

When? October, since it’ll be too cold after that!

I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with this fact, but we have too much going on right now.  We own two houses, one of which is undergoing major renovations.  To compound the pressure, my family (and only my family) live far away, so we were feeling the need to get major work done on our new house before they can stay with us for the wedding. We just got a puppy, and neither of us has ever had a puppy before.  J is majorly stressed by the pressure to finish up the work on the other house, and while I can do most of the puppy-raising on my own, I don’t want to plan a wedding on my own, and that’s how it was turning out.

I’d become one stressed out, grumpy, resentful woman at a time when we just don’t need any more stress.  The reality is that we don’t have the time or the capacity to joyfully plan a wedding in two months.  After much angst and soul-searching, we realized that what we want, more than anything, is to enjoy this whole thing, and imposing a short timeline upon ourselves puts that goal in serious jeopardy.

A great friend of mine advised me, back when I was going through some major drama, that some things can’t be expedited.  “It’s a human process, not just a legal one, and those can’t be rushed.”  Through all of our discussions about getting married, I was focused on the task list.  As a project manager by training, I know that you can push through even the biggest task list or party planning by prioritizing and planning.  However, as a bride, as a woman about to pledge her life to another, I need to take the time to let the process unfold.  In addition to being a great party, a celebration of family, and an opportunity to profess your love and commitment to another person, getting married is also about the rite of passage from being single (I am responsible for myself, above all) to being a partner (I am responsible for us, and you, in addition to myself).  Respecting the traditions, allowing them to guide you through the emotional aspects of being a bride – this is all important too.

And so, this weekend, my love and I decided to take more time in our engagement and get married next spring.  We’re toying with the idea of getting married near our anniversary date (June 10), in fact.  I am lucky enough to be loved by wonderful people, all of whom are supporting (and somewhat relieved by) this decision, even though they’re incurring some hefty airline fees.

I am now spending the weekend becoming accustomed to being engaged without the quickly-approaching wedding date looming.  My fiance is mowing the grass at a leisurely pace.  All is well in the world, again.

Did you have to revisit any of your major decisions?  Like me, did you feel relieved once you did?

It’s a struggle, in this world, in this day, to keep things simple.  I’m not sure that I’ve ever succeeded, but I’ve always wanted to.

Simple.

Without pretense.  Without extra fluff and expense.  You get back to the basics and appreciate them more.  I love simple, but I don’t live it very often.  Buying, acquiring, coveting — all much easier, all less fulfilling.

The fiance and I had a hard time this weekend figuring out what matters and what doesn’t.  I know who matters (he does!) but I often don’t succeed at making him feel that way.  It’s often easier (there’s that word again) to worry about details than the big stuff.  And this world we live in?  Not terribly helpful in that regard.  Google “weddings” and you’ll find a thousand resources on how to choose a color scheme and your dress options, but not one on how to plan a deep, meaningful ceremony.

Sigh.  Evidently, simple takes time, and far less fun things than Googling, like talking and sharing and dreaming together.

I got my order from Paper Source today, and I’m. In. Love.  Also, about to kill my cat for trying to walk all over it (not really… it’s not his fault I spread it all out to make googoo eyes at it).

The “Gravel” envelopes are just as serious as I’d hoped, and the “Cement” cards and paper are calm and neutral.  Love.  The “Starlight Sapphire” (gag, name) inserts are just a little bit shiny, and together they form one serious image.  In contrast to the handwritten invites we decided on, this is just perfection!

I’m still struggling a bit with the wording.  The stationery is nice and serious, the handwritten invite lends a personal touch… so how formal should the wording be?  I think it would be silly to handwrite “The honor of your presence is requested at the wedding of {my man’s full name} and {my full name}” when we’re doing the inviting and we’re handwriting said invite.  On the other hand, “Come join us to celebrate” is so, well, simple.  I know, I know, that’s what I was going for, but I also want people to know how important it is to us that they be a part of our celebration, because we love them and they love us.

I’m overthinking, aren’t I?